Épisode Lavage auto S03E01 - Ally McBeal Saison 3

Ally se rend à son cabinet complètement trempée, les cheveux encore ruisselants. Alors qu'elle passe les portes de l'ascenseur, elle croise John qui s'étonne de la voir aussi mouillée. Ally prétexte que c'est son nouveau look puis va s'asseoir dans son bureau. Mais John n'est pas dupe et se rend bien compte que quelque chose ne va pas. Après avoir rapidement tenté d'esquiver la question, Ally commence à lui raconter ce qui la mit dans cet état : en allant laver sa voiture, elle a rencontrer un (très charmant) jeune homme, censé laver les voitures avec qui elle échangea un très long regard qui lui semblait signifier énormément de choses. Une fois sa voiture engagée dans le lave auto, celui ci vient la retrouver. En ouvrant la portière, il laisse entrer des trombes d'eau dans la voiture, il s'assoit à côté d'elle et après un nouveau long regard, ils commencent à s'embrasser. S'en suit une scène d'amour torride avant de revenir à la réalité. John semble un peu choqué par l'histoire que lui raconte Ally, mais c'est sans aucune honte que celle ci lui avoue avoir adoré ça.

Après que Ling ait invité Ally à un repas, celle-ci est entrainée par Richard jusqu'au bureau de celui ci où l'attend une nouvelle cliente dont il veut qu'elle s'occupe. La jeune femme en question avait l'intention de se marier, mais après l'avoir vu avec un autre homme que son mari, le curé qu'elle avait choisi refuse de célébrer la cérémonie. Mais le problème est que c'est le seul curé qu'elle veut et qu'il ne faut bien entendu pas que son mari soit avertit de la situation.

Alors qu'elle cherche une solution avec son groupe, John laisse échapper une phrase qui fait comprendre aux autres qu'Ally a eut une relation sexuelle.

Renée commence à s'installer dans son cabinet. Derrière les cartons, elle aperçoit Frimousse qui vient lui demander si elle a besoin d'une partenaire car elle a l'intention de pratiquer à nouveau et que même si elle a conscience de pouvoir choisir n'importe quel cabinet c'est celui ci qu'elle a choisit.

Nelle est en train de se recoiffer dans le miroir et voit entrer John qui lui fait un étrange signe de la main, l'air plutôt fier de lui. Mais Nelle n'est pas du tout du même avis, ils sont un couple et elle trouve qu'il devrait agir différemment avec elle. Perplexe, John en perd l'envie d'aller aux toilettes.

Au tribunal, Ally et Richard tentent de défendre leur cliente, d'une manière quelque peu étrange pour Fish... Mais au final, ils doivent continuer à chercher une autre solution s'ils ne veulent pas que la cliente soit obligée de tout avouer à son mari, et par la même occasion de le perdre!

John demande à Ally s'il peut lui parler à nouveau et celle ci lui reproche d'avoir laissé échapper son secret devant les autres. Après s'être excusé, il lui explique qu'il a un problème avec les femmes trop "libérées" et que Nelle lui a demandé d'avoir une liaison par téléphone et qu'il n'a pas pu. Il dit également qu'il ne lui en a pas parlé parce que Richard lui a dit que la conversation n'était pas une bonne chose pour un couple. De plus, il a un gros problème : il n'arrive plus à faire venir Barry White. Le fait est que ce qui le perturbe est que les femmes peuvent avoir une relation sexuelle même si elles ne sont pas amoureuses, ce qui replonge Ally dans son souvenir du lave auto.

Pendant ce temps, René et Frimousse font passer des entretiens très "sexy" à de potentiels futurs employés du cabinet.

Ally, John et leur cliente tentent de convaincre le prêtre en question de célébrer leur union malgré ses réticences. La cliente dit que son mari n'étant pas un très bon amant, elle avait juste envie d'avoir une nuit de plaisir avant de se dévouer à son mariage. Le prêtre finit par accepter. Folle de joie, la cliente propose à Ally de devenir sa demoiselle d'honneur.

Mais le mariage ne se passe pas aussi bien que prévu. Alors qu'elle est à l'autel avec son bouquet de fleur, Ally reconnait le jeune homme du lavage auto, juste à côté des garçons d'honneur, et pousse un hurlement. La cérémonie recommence donc, Ally tentant au mieux de se contenir.

Dans l'église, Ally revoit sa scène d'amour avec le futur marié et lorsque le curé demande si quelqu'un s'oppose à cette union, elle ne peut s'empêcher de lever la main. Mais tout se complique encore lorsqu'elle se retrouve obligée de donner une explication devant toute l'assemblée. Elle accepte de murmurer la raison à l'oreille du prêtre mais celui ci portant un micro, tout le monde est mit au courant. La cérémonie est alors suspendue.

Dans une salle spéciale de l'église, tout le monde est en train de crier sur tout le monde. Le prêtre arrive et restaure le silence. Ally s'excuse et explique tout aux mariés, au curé et aux parents des mariés. Les deux époux s'isolent pour en discuter à part.

John et Nelle ont une conversation au bureau concernant… la sexualité débridée des femmes. Après avoir exposé son point de vue quelque peu spécial, Nelle met John à la porte de son bureau.
A l’église, Richard s’énerve contre Ally pour avoir gâché le mariage de la fille d’un gros client. Mais celle-ci est persuadée que le jeune homme ne veut se marier avec leur cliente que pour son argent.Le prêtre entre pour leur annoncer que le mariage va tout de même avoir lieu. Evidemment, Ally ne fait plus partie des demoiselles d’honneur !

A l’église, Ally interrompt à nouveau la cérémonie pour pouvoir parler à la mariée et lui dire que, contrairement à ce qu’elle pense, son mari est loin d’être un mauvais amant et que de ce fait elle pense qu’il ne se marie avec elle que pour l’argent. Le mariage est alors annulé.

Au bar, Georgia et les autres ne comprennent pas du tout pourquoi Ally s’est sentie obligée de tout dire à la mariée. Pendant ce temps, John s’apprête à passer une folle nuit d’amour avec Nelle mais au moment de l’embrasser, il se retrouve face à Barry White. John, dans les toilettes tente de faire revenir Barry White. Elaine entre alors pour lui donner quelques conseils.

Scenes in Boston.

Summer. Kids playing, balloons, scenes in a park, etc... AMB walking in jeans and a red and white striped top. She is soaking wet and looks distraught. She comes out of the elevator at Cage & Fish.

Cage & Fish.

JC: Ally ! (music scratches)
AMB: John ? I ... I thought you and Nelle were going to the game.
JC: Well, I just... umm, umm, little work to do... Why... Why are you so wet ?
AMB: Umm... It's the new look. (she goes into her office and sits down breathing heavily)

AMB's office.

AMB sits down and try to breathe.
JC (following her into the office): What's wrong ?
AMB: Umm, nothing.
JC: Ally ?
AMB: Umm, I just met this guy. Somebody I'd never laid eyes on before, I met him at the car wash, one of those drive-through things, and I think he works there (flashback to a drive through car wash, with a guy - Oh how gorgeous ! images of the flashback correspond to AMB talking) you know, the, the...
JC: The guy ?
AMB: Yeah, yeah, I think he dries the cars off or something. And anyway, we made eye contact and... It wasn't even flirty ! I don't even think I smiled at him, but we certainly laid eyes on each other, and it was a look... Like maybe we'd known each other in a prior life or something, or maybe we were waiting to meet each other in this life... (back to the office) Has that ever happened to you ?
JC: Maybe once... I...
AMB: And then my car goes into the car wash and I... (back to flashback, AMB in her car going through the car wash) and it's dark in there, and the car gets hit with soap and... and there was this haunting feeling... I... I can't really explain it, I just couldn't stop thinking about him. And then all of a sudden the door opens and water comes gushing in and everywhere, (back to office) and I can't really see anything, and the door closes. And I look up, (back to the flashback), he's in the car with me. I'm not even afraid ! And we're soaking wet, and we start reading each other's minds (back to office) or I should say fantasies, (back to flashback) and we don't say a word and we just start kissing. Without a word ! And then he opens up the door again, and he pulls me out passenger side and... I think we were in the...(back to office) at the rinse section, it was dark, (back to flashback) and we start taking off each other's clothes ! And we make love right there inside of the car wash ! (really hot scenes, hard to describe ! You've got to see it !)
(Back to the office).
JC: What ?
AMB: For all I know he could be some criminal ! And now... Pff... I know I should feel shame or guilt, but all I feel... I just wanna drive back there and... And I know that I used the term "make love". But it wasn't that, John. No, it was that other word.
JC: Which word ?
AMB: That vulgar verb we use to describe what two people... (JC makes a sign he understands) That's what we were doing, and that's what I wanna do to him again. That vulgar verb...
JC's nose whistles.

Opening credits.

Cage & Fish lobby.

AMB gets out of the elevator. LW is there.
LW: Ally, hi ! Listen, I'm having a small dinner party next week. I wasn't planning to invite you but if your feelings are gonna be hurt, I suppose I could make room.
AMB: Thank you Ling for being so concerned about my feelings.
RF (coming up to AMB): Ally. Problem. Need you. Now.
AMB (following him): What ?
RF: Major client. His daughter. Some crisis. Mystery !
AMB: Richard, can we talk in whole sentences ? It just helps me to follow. (they enter RF's office - a woman is waiting who gets up when they arrive)
RF: Rise, this is Ally McBeal, whatever it is, you can tell her, she'll help you out. (he leaves)
AMB: Richard !? (he tells without a sound coming from his mouth: "Gotta go" - Turns back to RH) Hi !
RH: Hello !
AMB: I understand that there's a problem. (they both sit down)
RH: Yes. (long pause)
AMB: For me to help, you'll need to tell me what it is.
RH: I'm getting married on Saturday, and it's a big wedding, and suddenly my minister says that he won't perform the ceremony, and we can't use the church. And there are 300 people that are coming, and this is the church that I grew up in, and my father... Oh, I need your help.
AMB: Did your minister say why he wouldn't perform the ceremony ?
RH: He didn't really have to tell me why... Yesterday he came over to say hello, it was a Sunday, he's a family friend, I was at my parents' house. My parents weren't home, only me... and somebody else. Reverend Breyer let himself in and he saw me... with the somebody else.
AMB: You and... ?
RH: He walked in on me having sex with somebody other than my fiancé. It was a one-night bachelorette kind of thing, that's all ! I'm about to settle down for the rest of my life, I just... I'm not a promiscuous person at all, I promise you !
AMB: And that's why your minister won't give you the church ?
RH: And if it gets out why he's doing this, my fiancé, he might... call off the wedding altogether and...
AMB: I don't think that there's anything you can legally do to...
RH: Oh there must be, please !
AMB: Well, let me talk it over with my partners, can I do that ?
RH: If you could keep it inside these walls... I have to save my wedding !

Lobby.

All lawyers talking.
AMB: If I go into court, her secret's out.
BT: You could seal the room, do it ex parte.
GT: No, no judge is gonna order a minister to perform a wedding ceremony, if they did that...
RF: Elaine would be married !
EV (walking by): I heard that !
BT: Maybe you can make it a contract case ?
AMB: But then we'll get the church but not the minister, and evidently he's some life-long family friend.
GT: What kind of woman has an affair the week before her wedding ?
RF: As opposed to most women who wait till after... John, what are your thoughts ?
JC: I'm troubled, there seems to be a rash of oversexed women lately...
AMB: John !!!
RF (interested): Is Ally having sex ?
AMB: No, I am not ! (AMB fantasies her shooting daggers - with her eyes - to JC's chest) Well, if we're gonna go to court, let's go ! (one last dagger in the top of his head)
BT and GT are astonished. JC is sorry for what he just said and hire his mouth.

Empty office.

RR is putting books on a shelf. WC comes in.
RR: God ! You scared me !
WC: You really think you can make it on your own, Renee ? Do you know how hard it is to launch a law practice ?
RR: Look if you came here to tell me that I can't...
WC: I'm not here to tell you that you can't.
RR: Then why are you here ?
WC: I came to ask if you would like a partner.
RR: What ?
WC: I wanna practice again.
RR: Well... Whipper ! A superior court judge, you could have your pick of any law firm in Boston !
WC: I know that. I picked this one. I'd be off-counsel, limited hours, I don't wanna be here every day... but I'd like to be here.

Unisex.

NP is combing her hair.
JC: Nelle ! (makes a thing with his hand, like he's shooting or something) Tsk tsk !
NP: John ? What is this (does the gesture) tsk tsk ? That's something you'd say to a horse instead of "Giddy up !". And the hip wiggle... It bugs me...
JC: I was saying Hello !
NP: With this ? (does the gesture again) Tsk tsk ? John we're a couple ! You don't say Hi like a sophomore at Junior Prom ! (he closes the door of the stall)
JC (opening the stall right after): No, I don't even have to go anymore. (he leaves

)

Court room.

AMB is pleading RH's case. The room is empty except for RF, AMB, RH and the Judge Seymore Walsh.
SW: I can't order a minister to perform a ceremony.
AMB: Your Honor, money was paid to reserve the church !
SW: She can get a refund.
AMB: Can you imagine the emotional distress, the wedding is in two days !
SW: I don't think your client should be in here arguing emotional distress ! What she did was immoral !
RF (getting up): Your Honor, may I be heard ?
SW: I was hoping it wouldn't come to that.
RF: Yeah, it's unreasonable for this minister or any member of the clergy to demand morality from a parishioner, the Church makes its money of the threat of Hell, if people weren't out there committing sins, they wouldn't be running to Church seeking forgiveness and throwing money in the buckets. I should also like to point out nobody frowns at a man when he slips at a bachelor party, the ministers are usually right there slipping with him. But I object to is the double standard, why is it OK for men to gather that last little rose bud and not for women ? This is the highest form of gender discrimination and I won't stand for it ! Women love sex ! They love to think it, dream it, and talk about it, as long as they retain the right to sue you after. (he sits down)
SW: Mister Fish, I am not going to order a minister to perform a wedding ceremony.
RF: You're a gender bigot, Judge. I'd like you to walk a mile in (pointing to RH) her diaphragm.
RF, happy with himself, goes out of the court room. AMB is running after him.
AMB: Richard ?!
RF (very happy with himself): I was in the zone. Wasn't I in the zone ?
AMB: So now what ?
RH (desperate): I'm gonna have to tell my father... And Joel, he's gonna leave me. I am not a promiscuous person, I swear to you I'm not, I've never done anything like this before.
AMB: Look, our only appeal is to your minister.
RH: He won't budge.
AMB: Well, let me think on it some, we'll go see him this afternoon. (they leave).
RF (to a walker-by): I was in the zone !
WB: Good for you !

Cage & Fish.

JC: Ally ! Can I talk to you a second ? (they enter AMB's office) Since you were so candid with me the other day...
AMB: Yeah, which you almost spilled to everybody this morning...
JC: I'm sorry !
AMB: I told you that in confidence !
JC: It's just a coincidence. You representing a woman being so inconsiderably promiscuous after you yourself... Never mind !
AMB: What's your problem, John ?
JC: Last week, when I went to Detroit - Roberts' deposition -, I called Nelle from the hotel room, and she wanted to have phone sex.
AMB: Phone sex ?
JC: And I couldn't. I'm not even sure I know what that is, but since then, Nelle and I...we've just... I can't achieve much of a rhythm !
AMB: Well, have you talked to her about this ?
JC: No, no, Richard says communications is the death of any relationship...
AMB: Of course.
JC: There is another problem, a bigger one. I have been unable to access Him. (he points at the sky)
AMB: Who ?
JC: Him !
AMB: God ?
JC: No, not God ! Barry White ! I look in the mirror, I move... Nothing !
AMB: No... tub tud (she hums a little)
JC: I can't become one with him any longer, this makes me a lesser lover.
AMB: How can I help ?
JC: Well, to be honest, your encounter in the car wash has me a little fraught. See I've always thought that the key to being a good lover, from a woman's standpoint, was the emotional connection !
AMB: Well, that is important.
JC: But to hear you describe Saturday's experience, I... I mean, am I correct in assuming that a woman, even if she's not in love with the man, that the sex can still be good ? (AMB sees a flashback of her encounter) Ally ?
AMB: Umm, it can be OK.
JC: But...

RR and WC's office.

They are interviewing male candidates.
RR: And you're computer literate ?
G#1: Completely, IBM and Mac.
RR: OK. Now we've talked about hours, and salary. Would you mind taking off your shirt ?
G#1 (laughs a little, then realize it is serious): I beg your pardon ?
RR: I just want to see your chest. And your stomach.
G#1: Is that legal ?
WC: Oh, it's illegal to require it, of course we wouldn't do that. No, basically Daniel, the business of law is all about getting clients. Now we plan to use our sensuality to do that (she sits on the desk). Renee and I will provide a little eye candy for the men...
RR: And it would be rude not to have something here for the women...
WC: Absolutely.

MB's office.

JC, AMB and RH pleading RH's cause.
MB: Of course I can't do the ceremony. Do you know the vows we recite and undertake ?
AMB: I understand, but...
MB: Did she tell you what I saw ?
RH: Reverend !
MB: How could I participate in such a blatant lie ?
RH: I plan to live up to my vows !
MB: Don't insult my intelligence, Risa.
JC: Reverend, if I may, certainly many married couples commit infidelity, and you counsel them. Why shouldn't Risa be afforded the same compassion ?
MB: What I saw... Umm umm, it wasn't the Risa Helms I know.
RH: I'm ashamed, of course I am. Joel is a wonderful man. He's smart, he's handsome, I see him as the father of my children, but... But he's a terrible lover, he doesn't really know how to touch a woman.
MB: That's your excuse ?
RH: There's no excuse, but because I plan to be faithful to him, because after the ceremony, he will be the only man I ever make love to again, I wanted one time with someone who could do things to me, make me... feel things... As I said this is not an excuse, but it's the truth. And the other truth is, his sexual bungling aside, there is no man on Earth that I would or could love more than Joel. I planed to take those vows very seriously on Saturday. And I promise you, I'm not here only trying to spare embarrassments, I'm here asking my minister, the minister that I grew up with, to unite me with the man that I love, under God.
AMB: And you said yourself, what you saw in that living room, well, it wasn't the Risa Helms that you know. And what you just heard, that is.
MB (getting up): OK.
RH (hugging AMB): Oh ! Thank you ! God ! Thank you !
AMB: Have a wonderful wedding RH, and an even better... marriage.
RH: Ally, I know we've only known each other for a day, but after this I've got to ask you something, and you can not, can not say no !

Church.

Music's playing. Bridesmaids enter... The last one is AMB in a loaned green dress (not the most beautiful green ever), not looking very comfortable... She prevents a guy from taking a picture. RF and LW are in the assistance.
LW: Why are we here ?
RF: Money. We're sucking up for our biggest client. Plus, a wedding is a beautiful thing when it's not yours ! Here she comes !
LW: (to AMB) Hi ! (after AMB walks by) These dresses are hideous !
The bride enters at the arm of her father. She is radiant. Everybody in the assistance gets up and looks very emotional. AMB looks to the groom side and recognizes... The guy from the car wash (he recognizes her too) !!! She screams and the organist stops playing. Everybody's looking at her.
AMB: Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! (pauses and realizes everybody looks at her). Sorry... Sorry... A tickle... In my throat...
She motions the priest to go on - Music resumes, and the bride get to the altar. AMB has trouble breathing.
MB: In the name of God, we are gathered here on this glorious day to celebrate, and join Risa and Joel in matrimony. (AMB takes a peek at Joel). And it is God's presence (AMB imagines she is a vampire growling at Joel) that lends special joy to today's occasion.

Office.

Cut to RR and WC interviewing different guys, on music (Walking on the Sun), different shots of men without their shirts on, swirling around, WC and RR laughing and having a lot of fun. Some of the guys are gorgeous, some others are... not so gorgeous ! Some show off their muscles...

Back to the church.

RH and Joel are holding hands.
MB: I, Joel.
Joel: I, Joel.
MB: Vow to be your faithful husband
Joel: Vow to be your faithful husband
MB: Offering you my pure and unwavering true love (AMB is seeing a flashback of their making love)
Joel: Offering you my pure and unwavering true love (AMB is seeing a flashback)
MB: As we stand here now.
Joel: As we stand here now.
MB: (back to church) And in the presence of God.
Joel: And in the presence of God.
MB: I commit myself to you.
Joel: I commit myself to you.
MB: And may this day be (flashback) just the beginning.
Joel: And may this day be just the beginning.
MB: Of unending joy.
Joel: Of unending joy.
MB: (back to church) Fidelity and Devotion.
Joel: Fidelity and Devotion.
MB: Through the power of our love.
Joel: Through the power of our love (flashback).
MB: (back to church) Excellent ! The sun smiles on us today, and how can it not ? As these two people pledge to cherish one another forever after. Umm, before we go further, if there's anybody here who has reason why Joel and Risa should not be joined in holy matrimony, let him speak now, or forever after hold his peace. (AMB's heart is pounding really loud - she sees with horror her hand raising up - she hears "Hold his peace" repeat like an echo)
AMB (screaming): No ! (the entire church is chatting now)
LW: Oh... My... God !
AMB: I... (whispering to the MB) I have a reason.
MB: What's in God's name...
RH: Ally ?
AMB (to RH): I'm sorry Risa !
MB: What is your reason my child ? Is it... ?
AMB: Oh no, no, it's something... else.
MH: Let's just do this, this is ridiculous !
MB: What is it Ally ? It's traditional to share the reason with the congregation.
AMB: Well, we won't be honoring that tradition...
MB: Umm umm... Whisper it to me...
AMB: OK. (she leans over to the MB) A week ago (the entire church leans over to hear what she says - but AMB ends up speaking into MB's tie-microphone) I had sex with the groom.
JM: Oh ! (the entire church jerks back into their seats)
AMB: No !
RH: You what ?
AMB: I didn't know at the time that... well that he...
LW: This is the best wedding I've ever been to !
MB: Ladies and Gentlemen, we're going to take a very short break. Please remain in your seats.
MB, RH and Joel leave.

Room with Joel, RH, their parents, and AMB.

They're all talking at the same time, except AMB who is putting her hands on her ears. MB comes in.
MB (shouting): Quiet ! Quiet ! Be quiet !
MH: This is a lot of money...
MB (shouting louder): Shut up, for God's sakes ! (they all shut up - AMB still has her hands on her ears) All right. Ally ?
AMB: Umm, I'm sorry. It happened at a car wash, and I didn't know who he was, and I'd never seen him before.
MB: You'd never seen him before ? And you just made love ?
AMB: Look, it's... it's hard to explain.
RH: Joel ?
Joel (to RH): Can I talk to you for a second please ?
RH: It's true ?
Joel: I need to talk to you in private, come on. (he takes her hand and starts to lead her across the room - she stops in front of AMB)
AMB: Umm... I'm so sorry. (they leave)

NP's office.

JC is talking to NP.
JC: It started with that damn study.
NP: What study ?
JC: That study, the one that says that women are attracted to different kinds of men when they're ovulating.
NP: What ?!?
JC: It's true, they're drawn to nice stable home providers three weeks of the month, then when they start to ovulate during mating season it's the virile masculine that... We all know what category I fit into, Nelle, and I don't like being dismissed every time a woman's eggs warm up, and you add to that the debacle over the phone sex, this Risa girl who had to live up her sexual fantasy before going down the aisle, Ally at the car wash...
NP: What is going on ?
JC: I know women have sexual fantasies, it's the idea that they would act out on them...
NP: Oh, like a man could but not a woman ?
JC: That's different !
NP: Why ?!?
JC: Because with a man it is physical, with women, it is partly emotional.
NP: You're saying a woman can't have a purely physical sexual fantasy ?!?
JC: Goes against nature ! (they can hear EV laughing behind the door - JC goes to open the door, revealing EV on a stool faking reading a book) Elaine ?
EV: I was just leaving... (JC closes the door)
NP: I don't even know how to respond to that one, John. I... If you're threatened by women having fantasies... It's not that I don't love you, or that I don't want to be with you, or that I don't enjoy making love to you...
JC: I don't want you thinking of any other man.
NP: You want to regulate my thoughts ?
JC: No, I want you to regulate them.
NP: John, I... Go away ! Just go away ! (JC leaves

)

Church.

AMB, LW and RF in a room by themselves.
RF: What did you have to say anything ? I mean, Ally, if you want to go around fornicating in car washes, fine ! But this is the daughter of our biggest client, why ruin her wedding ?
AMB (her head on the desk she's sitting at): Because I had to, OK ?
RF: Why ? Why is it OK for Risa to have one last fling alliance but not for Joel, because frankly...
AMB: Richard, if you give me that double standard speech one more time, I swear...
RF: I'm just confused... (to LW, who's playing checkers) Kumquat ? Could you help me out ?
LW: She perhaps felt upstaged by the bride, and this is a way to make it about her.
AMB: Hey, hey, hey, hey ! Do you think it was easy for me to do what I did in front of a whole church full of people ? Do you think there's one person sitting out there right now who doesn't think I'm some cheap slut ?
LW (eating several pieces at a time): No.
RF (stunned by LW): Then why did you do it ? Why not just let them get married and let it be their problem, why did you have to make it mine ?
AMB: Because he's marrying her for her money, Richard !
RF: How do you know that ?
AMB: I just do.
RF: Did he tell you this ?
AMB (almost shocked at the weird idea): We didn't talk, we just had sex !
RF (upset): Then how could you possibly know ?
AMB: Richard, I know it's none of my business, I know the conventional wisdom tells me to just stay out of this, and I know there are 100 reasons for me to keep my mouth shut ! (pause) I couldn't !
RF: You were willing to let that wedding go forward knowing she was unfaithful, why is it different with him ?
AMB: Because it is.
RF: Why ?
AMB: Because I was there !
RF: Are you sticking out for Risa, or are you punishing him ?
AMB: That... I don't... know.
RF: Umm...

Back to the room.

AMB's feet are on the table, without shoes.
LW: I always wondered what it would be like in a car, as it was being washed...
AMB: Ling, I really don't want to talk about it !
LW: Oh, I'm not criticizing you, I think there's something brave about a woman who identifies a fantasy and just... pursues it.
AMB: Thank you.
LW: In ancient China, your head would be cut off.
RF (coming into the room): The families are meeting, trying to figure out what to do. We were fired.
AMB: Oh, sorry Richard !
RF: It's OK, Ally, I know you did in your twisted mind what you thought you had to do.
AMB (sarcastically): I appreciate your support.
MB (coming in): OK, we're back on.
AMB (surprised): We are ?
MB: Yes, Risa and Joel talked things out, and I guess she agrees, he was no more guilty than she was, so...
AMB (in disbelief): The wedding is on ?
MB: Yes ! And as disinclined as I was before to perform the ceremony, you can imagine my excitement now ! But I got a room full of people out there, and a situation. She no longer wants you as bridesmaid though.
RF: Umm, there's a shocker.
MB: So just go take a seat with the guests, and we'll try to get through this.
AMB: OK.

Church.

People are bored. AMB gets out and get booed. She goes to take a seat with LW and RF. LW and RF are smiling.

Unisex.

JC is trying to hear Barry White, but he can't. EV comes in.
EV: John ? Earlier, I couldn't help but overhear. Seems I never can help it.
JC: And ?
EV: And well it's true, we all do have our little fantasies, you were wrong to think that men like you can't be in them. Sexy... is all inside, John. Look at me. I may not be the most beautiful woman on Earth, but do I ooze sex ?
JC: Yes Elaine. In buckets.
EV: Because it's in me ! Let it be in you !
JC: My problem... My problem is, I've always felt it through Barry, and Barry won't come to me anymore.
EV: On some level, maybe Barry's is little J.E.L.
JC: I beg your pardon ?
EV: Do you ever wonder why an exotic beauty like Nelle wants to be with you ? We all do !
JC: You all wonder ?
EV: No ! We women all wanna be with you, you're the hottest guy in the office. And you don't even know it, you hot little biscuit ! Maybe it's lucky for us that you don't know it, because if you ever became a predator, you'd ruin lives ! (pause. JC is looking at himself and hears Barry. EV is behind him, stroking him) Barry's coming ! I can feel him coming ! (music goes on, EV and JC dance together) Oh, now you take yourself to Nelle, and if she tells you to go away, you bring yourself back to me, you hot little biscuit !

Church.

MB is going on with the ceremony.
MB: I, Risa...
RH: I, Risa...
MB: Take you Joel to be my husband from this day forward.
RH: Take you Joel to be my husband from this day forward.
MB: To join with you and share all things to come (flashback to the car wash).
RH: To join with you and (church) share all things to come.
MB: For richer or poorer, (car wash) in sickness and in health.
RH: For richer or poorer, (church) in sickness and in health (car wash).
AMB (back to the church): Excuse me ? Umm... Can I speak to Risa for one second ?
Crowd: No !
AMB: I'm sorry, it won't take one second, I promise... No, no, no...
RH: What are you doing ?
AMB: One second (she grabs Risa and goes into the lobby of the church)
RH (really upset - lifting her veil): What ?!?
AMB: Woo, this isn't easy to say...
RH: Well, say it fast, there's a church full of people in there, plus a restaurant rented out for a reception. It's getting dark !
AMB: Remember when you were talking to Minister Breyer, the other day... (they sit down on the stairs at Ally's instigation) You said that Joel was a terrible lover and that he didn't know how to touch a woman...
RH: I can deal with that, Ally, a marriage is much more than sex.
AMB: I completely agree, but what I'm saying is, that Joel... is... Umm... He's an incredible lover. Risa, he's the most amazing lover I've ever been with, I mean, not that I've been with that many, but... that man... he knows how to touch a woman.
RH (troubled): Sex it's... it's subjective.
AMB: Yes, it is, but trust me, speaking objectively, that man... Well if he's not touching you, well then there's something wrong. Either he doesn't have any passion for you... Or he's just... he's not being truthful. I think that you have a experienced womanizer marrying you for your money, and as your lawyer, as your bridesmaid, I just couldn't sit there and see you get hurt. (RH is crying - she gets up and goes back inside the church).
RH (she walks back to the altar): I'm sorry. The wedding's off. (she runs out of the church)
LW and RF both get their cell-phone out of their pocket and give a call.
Joel (to AMB): Who do you think you are ?
AMB: I don't know. And I don't know who you are, but I certainly know that you're capable of fooling women.
Joel: I didn't owe you any honesty.
AMB: No, I guess you didn't. But as for the woman wearing the white dress, you haven't really been honest with her, have you Joel ?

Outside the church.

People are yelling at AMB getting out with RF and LW. "Venus" is sung by Vonda in the background.
W#1: Oh Joy ! What am I supposed to do with this ? (showing her gift)
G#2: Oh yeah, that was beautiful ! Beautiful ! (he applauds) Applaud, applaud ! Smooth ! Smooth as silk !
AMB gets into a car, ashamed, with LW and RF. Cut to the bar. Vonda still singing "Venus". LW, RF, GT and AMB at a table, AMB still in her bridesmaid dress.

At the bar.

GT: So... that was it ?
AMB: That was it ! Ally McBeal, home wrecker ! Here's my card (giving GT her napkin)
GT: Oh I have it ! Thank you !
LW: Why did you do it ? You didn't owe her anything.
AMB: Since when did honesty become a duty ? Let me put it this way : if you see somebody, on the side of the road, hurt, would you stop ?
LW: No.
WC (coming towards them): Hey !
GT and AMB: Hey !
RF: Hey ! Old time signs. Is it true ? Did you quit the bench ?
WC: I'm in private practice !
AMB and GT: Yeah ! (AMB applauds)
WC: How did the wedding go ?
AMB: Don't ask !
RF: Look at me ! Surrounded by all those wattles ! Dance one ?
GT: Let's go ! (to AMB) I love your dress ! (AMB falls down trying to get up)
LW (not wanting to go dance): We're too old for this bar !
WC (grabbing RF to dance with him): Is that so, Liiiing ?
RF: Battle woman ! I love it !

NP's apartment.

JC gets in the bedroom, hearing Barry White singing "Staying power". NP puts her book down and takes her glasses off. JC turns the light off, lights a candle with a match, takes out his bathrobe, starts to take off his T-shirt but then decides to rip it off, sits down on the bed, and when he turns to NP, he sees Barry singing instead of NP.
NP (as herself): John ? John ? You're all right ?
JC (his nose whistles): Yeah. Yeah. I think... It's just... You looked a little different for a second.
NP (as Barry White but her voice): Different how ?
JC: You don't wanna know ?
NP: Are you sure you're OK ?
JC: Yeah, yeah, I think so.
NP: Well, I'm glad you're here.
JC: Yeah, me too (they start kissing). Song "No mistakes in love" by Vonda. Cut to RR painting the letters of her name on the glass door of her office, AMB walking in Boston in her bridesmaid dress, taking the picture of a couple, being taken in picture by them, giving them her card, walking and dancing in the streets, cut to RH - sad - walking in Boston in her wedding dress.

Ending credits.